1.31.2010
Once Upon a Cheater.
I am tempted. Sorely tempted. Some days I obsess over it. What am I talking about, you ask? Let me tell you a little story.
About 24 years ago CS had an affair. An affair with someone I considered to be a close friend. She was CS's partner in the Ambulance Service they both worked for. 24 hour shifts. Many of them. Down time. Lots of time to get busy, if you know what I mean.
I have only known about the affair for about 9 years. He told me in one of his *Come to Jesus* moments. Except he didn't really tell me but rather wrote it out in an email and sent it to me. Coward that he was {and is to this day}, he couldn't tell me to my face.
They slept together repeatedly for over 6 months while I was struggling to find my place with a new baby, in a new city, which was 2 hours away from my family. While I was literally working my ass off obsessively and daily to rid my body of the extra weight I had been blessed with while pregnant with our first child. Did I mention that this baby was less than a year old? Yeah, she was. Lovely, yes? Can it get worse? Oh, of course it can.
After reading his email I had questions. They leaked out slowly. How long did they sleep together? {more than 6 months} Did the two of them laugh at her husband and myself when we went out together as couples? {he shrugged} Did you sleep with her in MY house? {his response to that was yes, but only in the living room. Anyone buying that? I am guessing that they fucked in every room in my house just because they could.}
Disgusting. When did he find time to schtupp her in my house, you ask? Well I can answer that very easily. During one of my weekends with the baby visiting my parents two hours away while he was *on duty*.
When he started working with a female partner I had reservations but I trusted him. I remember how he would often comment about the size of her bazoombas. They were fairly large and gave her a lot of back problems. I figured he was commenting because she was complaining. I recall more than once hearing him say "they are huge, I don't even know what I would do with all that." He sure was working it to cover his ass, wasn't he? And I was too trusting and stupid to see what was going on. Of course he would look me straight in my eyes and tell me no, of course he wasn't sleeping with her. He is a pretty good liar. He should be in Hollywood making a living as an actor.
While he didn't make many excuses he did try to get me to see it his way. You know, the old, tired, you were busy with the baby and leaving me alone, blah blah blah. I told him that unless his dick just fell into her this was a deliberate act on his part and there was nothing in the world I could have done or did do that *made* him do anything.
How many others did he sleep with? I am going to say that there were probably at least two others plus the little chickie he started sleeping with soon after {or was it before???} he left that first time in the fall of 2000. One of them I refer to as Donna Ambulance Co. She was the company slut. When he first started working there {with a male partner} he would come home telling me how Donna would come up to their out-of-the-way station and he was pretty sure his partner was schtupping her. I am pretty certain CS was too.
Then there was his *best friend*. Female. He didn't have a problem telling me that this woman thought he was all that and that she would date him. I think he slept with her. He, of course, denied it but I bet he did. Why would I believe him after reading what I did? I fully believe that once one makes that choice to be so horribly deceptive and disgusting and be unfaithful it will obviously be easier to do the next time. And the next time. You know the old adage: once a cheater, always a cheater. It most definitely applies here.
When I first found out, after the shock wore off, I wanted to tell her ex-husband. Yeah, not surprisingly they are also divorced. I didn't tell him because I was afraid he would kick CS's ass. He probably would have. As much as I abhorred what CS did, he was still my children's father and having him beat the eff up probably wasn't in their best interest.
But I digress.
That brings us to today. Facebook is odd. I mostly don't get it but perhaps that is because I am there under a pseudonym because I really have no desire to be in touch with those from my past. I am a spy. You all know this by now. Recently I decided to look her up on FB. There she was in all her glory. I want to contact her. I want to tell her that I know. THAT I KNOW. I want to tell her how betrayed I felt and still feel. That someone I cared about so much would do such a thing. If I do this will I feel some peace having had my say? Do I care if she doesn't care? I don't think I do. Will she apologize or will she be full of excuses. Again, unless his dick just fell into her......
Discuss.
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5 comments:
I know you are angry. Recent events have given me a new perspective. Life is way too short. It's not worth it to give a shit about someone like that. You have so much going for you now - live in the present and don't look back on lesser life forms. I hope I am strong enough to take my own advice - no one said this is the easy path...
If it will give you a sense of closure then go ahead and tell. Give her an anonymous note along the lines of "I know what you did in 19xx" if you want to make sure it doesn't come back to the kids.
I have gone over this with a therapist and to be honest, I am still not sure which is the best way. The standard advice is to leave the past in the past and what good does it do to dig it up. Yet when I am interacting with my kids, they don't get why I feel the way I do about their mother. Of course it is just wrong to scream your mother was a cheating whore who lied with every breath. I have not, to this day, deliberately gone into any details with any of the kids and don't think I ever will unless they ask me and seriously think it would do them any good to know (I doubt that will ever happen)
they are adults now (well they were out of the house when she felt her sentence was up and she was free to leave to find happiness in unresponsibility). When things slip, I don't try to back track or cover up. I am not sure what the daughter thinks but she sees her mom and is involved with her in some way on practically a daily basis. The son sees her for what she is now. She is still his mother and he loves her but he just doesn't have time for her and her shit. He has NO respect for her at all.
Fortunately for me, I never knew who any of them were and never met them as far as I could ever know. In your case, it was a "friend" and if you didn't have your say in the ending of that friendship then I think you are entitled to express your feelings. At this point, it doesn't matter if she is repentant or just full of excuses. You are not trying to rebuild the friendship, just getting rid of what is bugging you cuz you never got to say it. you don't want to carry around baggage but you have to put is somewhere right? why not in her lap?
I love you honey and support whatever you decide
{hugs}
Tough call. We belive we;' get satisfaction and closure and may be you will. But as E said... Life is short, and we do need to move along. Clearly you are still hurt and feeling betrayed and who can blame you. But the reality is the anger is on CS for the most part.
Just remember you won't be anonymoys on FB unless you create a new fictious persona and really... that's a lot of work, or you could confront her and do what you need to do. But in the end after the feeling of satisfaction is done - if that's what you will feel, then what?
Go with your gut and you'll have your answer. Your instincts will guide you and you'll do what you need to.
I get the need believe me, I get the need.
t
I am thinking that after 9 years and the fact that it still bothers her, something more needs to be done. Whether it is directly confronting or not remains to be seen. It does need to be more than just forgetting the past.
b, take it to prayer and ask for the grace to forgive her. Write out what you feel about it addressed directly to her (whether you send it or not later on is something that will either seem right or not as your conscience dictates). Addressing it directly to her, rather than discuss the situation with a third party might get you a sense of closure.
{hugs}
Thanks so much for your input. You have all given me much to consider.
I am still struggling. As Rudy says, it has been 9 years and it still backs up on me on occasion. No, I don't think about it every day or every week but it is still there.
I will let you know what I decide when I decide. I am sure I will revisit this here before too long.
Thanks again, my friends.
love and hugs,
~ b
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